Private Words

All of my other posts I share on my Facebook page. This one I’m not going to because it is highly personal. At the same time I think it’s something I need to share with anyone else who may benefit.

At the beginning of these blogs, I said I had mental and emotional reasons for starting this sugar crash. My friends and family are hearing me complain this far in, and are asking me why it’s worth all this torture just for a diet. It’s not just a diet. And it’s purpose was not to make me lose weight. The reason I have done this challenge is because I have been suicidal in the past, and those problems have started showing themselves.

My sister and I spoke about this the other day, and it is so frustrating to have so many good things in your life but still feel depressed. Severely depressed. And anxious to the point of having multiple panic attacks a day because one thing went wrong that is out of your control.

The feeling of abandonment and isolation is terrifying, even if it’s manufactured. And even as I type this I don’t really believe what I’m saying, but I know it’s true. I have friends and I have lots of people that care about me and love me. They may not show it all the time, but that’s life, and I have to stop being so selfish in thinking that they should acknowledge me more often. ME ME ME. It’s all about ME. But it’s not.

To some extent I know this, but sometimes that leads me even further into a hole of “well if I’m so unimportant, why bother, what am I even doing here?” I can give you a million and one excuses why this planet doesn’t need me, but I must press on anyway. You know why? Because it’s not fair to the people I’d leave. Which means that no matter how sh*tty  my life feels, I’m stuck here because I have to consider other peoples feelings. It’s a little ironic when you’re upset because you feel people are abandoning you then realizing it’s not fair to THEM if you leave…but I digress.

This blog was not intended to be about depression, suicide, or anxiety; though it indirectly deals with them. The purpose was to take something poisonous from my life and try to gain control of it, because at this point I don’t have any hope, and that’s something I desperately need. So if the only hope I have is that one day I’ll finally get these sugars out of my system and will then stop being crazy, it’s enough for now.

Please, if anyone feels this way, I know it feels hopeless and dark and like you’re surrounded by blackness, but remember, this is an illness that takes control away from you and you need to take it back. Using whatever method is best for you, control the darkness and take back your sanity. It’s hard, and it’s painful, and it won’t happen overnight; but I can tell you from experience that I don’t think about how depressed I am when I’m physically feeling poorly, because I know there’s an end goal and a light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope. Even if it’s in something small, sometimes that’s all you need.


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